30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!