[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
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PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
emergency phone
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.