Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
You Might Also Like
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?