FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Smile they said.