If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
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Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge