If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family