[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.