2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.