Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
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Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Not all heroes wear capes….
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.