First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now