Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
this has done me in for some reason
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.