We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?