A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see