How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
こいつ天才
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Just got to our Airbnb!
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Perfect.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.