Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
The symmetry is uncanny.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
no one likes gloating
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute