I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.