I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Proctology is located in A55
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*