Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
You Might Also Like
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1