the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
BaD BoY!!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.