Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
2 years later
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Hitlers gonna hitl
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.