Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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cat faces on other animals, a thread
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Our lord and savoury.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me as a therapist: omg same
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted