have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
o shit
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.