HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.