$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.