If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Pat is about to own someone
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater