“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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who wants to go expliring
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.