What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
the saddest jazz hands ever
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.