i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off