According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.