I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Lmbo
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop