*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams