50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.