When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.