doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.