There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*puts my mental health in rice
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My favorite female superhero
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend