earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
You Might Also Like
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
thank god
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.