[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?