I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I鈥檓 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I鈥檓 saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I鈥檇 fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don鈥檛 know where you belong. You鈥檙e very insane.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
A new house isn鈥檛 a home until you鈥檝e let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It鈥檚 inappropriate, and you鈥檙e talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can鈥檛 drive for more.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.