I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Perfect.
I laughed at this way too hard.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
*skinny dips into black hole
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Just why bro?!
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.