[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
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Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Wait a minute
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”