I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
We need more people like this.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
How can I say no to this ?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“i miss shittin on people”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.