Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
next level snooze
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”