*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
They’re stuck in your pants?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I would like even faster food.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.