[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house