me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake