No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!