Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before