I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Salad is the decaf of food.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that