Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I can’t deal with men any longer
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?