Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.